Clever Facebook Status

  1. Plese don’t talk to me, I get attached too easily.

  2. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

  3. If success seems unlikely, that should be your reason to push even harder.

  4. Friday is my second favorite “F” word.

  5. If we took all the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be about some poor family dying of dysentery while their oxen drown.

  6. LOVE is when I can’t pay attention in class because Im too busy writing her first name with my last name.

  7. I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something 🙂

  8. Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you …….. Priceless 🙂

  9. Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

  10. Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.

  11. The only math I can remember is that …. You + Me = Forever

  12. Life would be better if more things were wrapped in bacon.

  13. I wish my phone never ran out of battery, my fridge never ran out of food and my wallet never ran out of money.

  14. When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me outof it every time.

  15. Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

  16. Look down at your speedometer and ask yourself, is this the right lane for you?

  17. My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I don’t get women.

  18. STUDY? The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

  19. Watching Netflix before going to bed is the adult equivalent of being read a bedtime story.

  20. Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. 🙂

  21. If you like the idea of social media but don’t want to actually communicate with people, try LinkedIn.

  22. I wish people were like money, so you could hold them up to the light to see which ones are real and which ones are fake.

  23. Baking soda seems like a scam. “Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator.”

  24. GIRL: Describe me in 1 word. —- BOY: Mine 😉

  25. Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

  26. If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts

  27. Cheating is easy …. try something more challenging … like being faithful.

  28. I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won 🙂

  29. I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

  30. Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Insane Facebook Status

  1. I just got a new jacket. It’s so lovely! It’s white and it lets me hug myself as much as I want! Hooray for me!
  2. After years of observation,multiple hypothesis,well-structured analysis and deeply reviewed interpretations.I finally came to ONE CONCLUSION: I’M NOT NORMAL
  3. Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
  4. I am so excited i only have to ride the short bus for 2 more weeks,then i get to ride in the van.
  5. hears “POP..POP..POP..” then giggles because they likes bubble wrap
  6. Don’t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy woman’s pudding!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
  7. is not insane. and SO not easily distracted- HEY! My Pet Banana RAN INTO THE MONKEY EXHIBIT AT THE ZOO! Yellows! RUN! NO! they dead. the funerals tomorrow.
  8. I am not insane, the word you’re searching for is crazy. The difference is that I know exactly what I am doing.
  9. Chased a parked car,tripped over a cordless phones cord,went to the mall and played hide’n’seek with staff,corrupted some minds,hiding fromcops!I REGRET NOTHING
  10. “Taste the rain-” “BITCH PUT MY SKITTLES DOWN!” the fuck wrong with you?
  11. People who don’t know me think that I’m crazy. People who know me already know that I’m crazy. After today, I’m starting to believe all of them.
  12. Some days we’re just one clown short of a circus around here!
  13. People say that you have to be insane to understand some of the things in life… well, I’m all set!
  14. is busy zoning out as my brain has left the building. Please try me again in a month maybe then I’ll be sane. If not check areas with white padded walls…
  15. it’s okay to dance to your own tune, even if it’s being hummed by the voices in your head.XD
  16. Today my inner child threw a tantrum because the voices in my head refused to share the sandbox of my mental playground. It was weird.
  17. I’m a little tea pot short & stout, here is my handle, here is my handle-DAMN I’m a sugar bowl!
  18. It took me all this time to lose my mind, what on earth made you think I would want a piece of yours?
  19. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room with no windows.It drove me monkeys!MONKEYS! Monkeys are Ninjas.Isn’t that crazy? Crazy? I was crazy once…
  20. wonders if ZEBRAS r black with white stripes or white with black stripes??? The voices in my head were just arguing bout it…I need to shut them up!!
  21. it’s okay to dance to your own tune, even if it’s being hummed by the voices in your head.XD
  22. people think I’m crazy,there just jealous because gummy bears talk to me not them.
  23. Is playing hide n seek with the voices in my head, I’m under the stairs they will never find me ha. WAIT! I DON’T HAVE STAIRS, CRAP! WHERE AM I?!?
  24. <-some people call it crazy..I prefer “HAPPILY INSANE”!!
  25. come to the dark side, we have cookies,and bring a light-bulb its dark over here
  26. A random dwarf just ran into my bedroom and kicked me in the shin!
  27. I need music, because when it gets to quiet the voices in my head get really loud.
  28. today I’m going to find the evil fairy that lives in the dryer that keeps stealing my socks!! If you don’t see me tomorrow call the cops.Wish me luck!!
  29. I’m not crazy nor do I have anger issues,it’s just that this rock told me it really wanted to hit you in the head!
  30. That squirrel just took my Twinkies! Somebody stop them! So what if they’s in a ninja outfit? Get them!
  31. thinks that thinking about the thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, i think
  32. I’m NOT crazy ! crazy is dialing 911 on the microwave and looking around where’s the big red truck?? i only did that twice…
  33. some days,the little angel on my left shoulder is out somewhere, and I’m alone with the little red guy on my right.Those days I suggest all u ppl watch out. 😀
  34. all i can say is a bra is like a good friend. they hold up, don’t let you hang,keep you balanced, an dare always there to support you.
  35. People say I’m crazy…I hate those people…I am not crazy, I am insane!There’s a difference!HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL THEM!?
  36. Last night I fell asleep to the ninja monkeys chanting my name, a rainbow pig flying over my head and a dancing yellow hippo in a orange tutu,, 😀
  37. This is MY corner of the institution! Do you hear me? MINE. MINE. MIIIINE! Back away real slowlike! NOW!!
  38. Someone once told me that I was the most well adjusted person they knew. I told their that they most know some pretty screwed up people.
  39. The Flying Purple Wombats of Doom are attacking the Rainbow Squirrels of Retribution in my backyard! Where are the Jolly Chipmunks of Justice when you need them
  40. The cookie monster smelled crumbs on my laptop and has chased me into my closet..Please somebody help me! My laptop is going dead and it’s getting dark!

Crazy Facebook Status

  1. OK, I laughed often (got stared at), I loved harder (one new restraining order), and I danced like no one was watching,.. THAT was when they locked me up! HELP!
  2. Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
  3. Me Normal? WHO SAID THAT! I’ll stab them with a gummy bear!
  4. People say nothing’s impossible, but I do nothing everyday.
  5. You know, and I know you know and you know that I know you know what you know!
  6. I know I’m crazy. Don’t ruin my moment.
  7. would love go into a carpet store dressed as Aladdin, sit on one of those rectangle carpet samples and yell out “HOW DO WE GET THIS THING TO WORK?”
  8. Boys think of girls just ike books; if the cover doesn’t catch their eye, they won’t bother to read what’s inside.
  9. ‘s status is sponsored by the letters W T F.
  10. I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy shit.
  11. Birdie birdie in the sky, why’d you do that in my eye? Looks like soap and feels like spit, oh my God it’s birdie shit!
  12. When I see you, I miss your smile. When I see your smile, I miss your hug. When you hug me, I want your kiss …… Oh I’m just so crazy about you.
  13. People never remember the million times you help them, only the one time you don’t.
  14. beware of the sock eating leprechauns, they could be in a dryer near you!
  15. My phone is like my lover. Its the last thing I see at night, and the first thing I wake up to every morning.
  16. If you think I’m crazy, raise your hand…
  17. If there’s one thing I hate the most, its seeing bad things happen to good people.
  18. has lost their mind if found please return it so they can return to being somewhat normal.
  19. Sometimes I wonder how many miles I have scrolled my mouse wheel.
  20. I am a whole new kind of crazy today. Should be somewhat entertaining
  21. I always carry a little crazy with me…you never know when it’s going to come in handy 😉
  22. I have a problem. My proble is love and ……… My solution is you.
  23. Every boy wants a good girl to be bad just for him and every girl wants a bad boy to be good just for her. Crazy World
  24. My friend said I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
  25. When I joke they take it seriously. When I am serious they take it as a joke.
  26. Muahahahahahahahaha I just saw a Purple Unicorn with a Blue Monkey holding a Red Lolly-pop and going over the Rainbow!! As you can see I’m really hyper!! 😀
  27. We all have that one person we hate but constantly look at their facebook profile.
  28. Nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
  29. Hey! Hey you! Yeah,you!I wanna tell you something!..Come here..What are you looking at?Oh my gosh, STALKER!LEAVE ME ALONE!
  30. The awkward moment when you enter class late and everyone stares at you.
  31. my brain just left running down the street claiming i was crazy i started to chase it telling it to give me my voices back
  32. That awkward moment when you wait for a text but you realize you are the one that didn’t reply.
  33. I’m not crazy! I just have too much awesomeness for you to take. 😛
  34. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
  35. If I drink alcohol, I am an alcoholic. But if I drink fanta than . . . . . . I am fantastic!
  36. I’m batter than you Ex and better then your NEXT!
  37. I wish I could record my dreams and watch them later.
  38. If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
  39. People who wait 4 hours to reply to a text with “lol” should be shooted 🙂
  40. If you want to read about love and marriage, you have to buy two separate books.

Dirty Facebook Status

  1. People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
  2. Bitch swear they Baby Smarter than every other Baby.. “My Baby can count to 10” Bitch he’s 18 years old, he supposed to!
  3. You can’t be the top dog if you act like a pussy!
  4. My graduation speech: ‘Fuck You, I fucked you, I’d fuck you, Who the fuck are you?’
  5. You laugh at my job but you sit around collecting welfare from my taxes – nice… glad I can help ya out , asshole.
  6. Fuck everyone who said they were there for me, and then left
  7. Just because a guy is attracted to you physically or enjoys you sexually it doesn’t mean that he wants to commit to you emotionally.
  8. Not all cute guys have girlfriends, most of them have boyfriends…
  9. If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are bitextual.
  10. Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it’s wide use 3 fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup
  11. I’m listening to the voices in my head and I’ve come to realize that they are having more fun than me. I’m gonna go join them for a few drinks.
  12. Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet!
  13. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
  14. Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.
  15. My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.
  16. Women and rocks are very much alike … We skip the flat ones.
  17. Hey girl, I’d like to be a part of your next abortion.
  18. Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
  19. Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.
  20. My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.

Funny FB Status

  1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me eight times, and you’re Quentin Tarantino.
  2. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.
  3. If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
  4. Secrets Of Pizza, Pasta,Burger, French Fries:
    “Few moments on your Lips,
    Forever on your Hips.”:p
  5. Fact1: You can not touch
    Your lower lip with your tounge…
    Fact2: After reading this,
    99/100 idiots would try it.
  6. 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.
  7. My boss just said to me “You’ve been late five days this week… do you know what that means?” I certainly do – it’s FRIDAY!
  8. Please don’t say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your crotch.
  9. Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
  10. Kim Kardashian is 32&she’s pregnant, but y’all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy. And yall calling her a slut? PLEASE, have a seat.
  11. I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
  12. That awkward moment when you’re way more excited than little kids are to watch Finding Dory.
  13. Toilet paper is a perfect example of how “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.”
  14. For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren’t quite good enough.
  15.  They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.
  16. Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.
  17. I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
  18. If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.
  19. I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
  20. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.