Clever Facebook Status

  1. Plese don’t talk to me, I get attached too easily.

  2. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

  3. If success seems unlikely, that should be your reason to push even harder.

  4. Friday is my second favorite “F” word.

  5. If we took all the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be about some poor family dying of dysentery while their oxen drown.

  6. LOVE is when I can’t pay attention in class because Im too busy writing her first name with my last name.

  7. I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something 🙂

  8. Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you …….. Priceless 🙂

  9. Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

  10. Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.

  11. The only math I can remember is that …. You + Me = Forever

  12. Life would be better if more things were wrapped in bacon.

  13. I wish my phone never ran out of battery, my fridge never ran out of food and my wallet never ran out of money.

  14. When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me outof it every time.

  15. Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

  16. Look down at your speedometer and ask yourself, is this the right lane for you?

  17. My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I don’t get women.

  18. STUDY? The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

  19. Watching Netflix before going to bed is the adult equivalent of being read a bedtime story.

  20. Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. 🙂

  21. If you like the idea of social media but don’t want to actually communicate with people, try LinkedIn.

  22. I wish people were like money, so you could hold them up to the light to see which ones are real and which ones are fake.

  23. Baking soda seems like a scam. “Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator.”

  24. GIRL: Describe me in 1 word. —- BOY: Mine 😉

  25. Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

  26. If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts

  27. Cheating is easy …. try something more challenging … like being faithful.

  28. I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won 🙂

  29. I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

  30. Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

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Funny Tweets

  1. my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby’s deal
  2. If there is a God, he created balls and wanted them to look like that, so that’s weird
  3. Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
  4. People that whip their seats back on airplanes are almost certainly terrible lovers.
  5. i need to get something off my chest *takes off my nipple*
  6. men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>