Dirty Facebook Status

  1. People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
  2. Bitch swear they Baby Smarter than every other Baby.. “My Baby can count to 10” Bitch he’s 18 years old, he supposed to!
  3. You can’t be the top dog if you act like a pussy!
  4. My graduation speech: ‘Fuck You, I fucked you, I’d fuck you, Who the fuck are you?’
  5. You laugh at my job but you sit around collecting welfare from my taxes – nice… glad I can help ya out , asshole.
  6. Fuck everyone who said they were there for me, and then left
  7. Just because a guy is attracted to you physically or enjoys you sexually it doesn’t mean that he wants to commit to you emotionally.
  8. Not all cute guys have girlfriends, most of them have boyfriends…
  9. If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are bitextual.
  10. Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it’s wide use 3 fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup
  11. I’m listening to the voices in my head and I’ve come to realize that they are having more fun than me. I’m gonna go join them for a few drinks.
  12. Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet!
  13. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
  14. Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.
  15. My mother never understood the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.
  16. Women and rocks are very much alike … We skip the flat ones.
  17. Hey girl, I’d like to be a part of your next abortion.
  18. Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
  19. Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.
  20. My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.

Funny FB Status

  1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me eight times, and you’re Quentin Tarantino.
  2. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.
  3. If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
  4. Secrets Of Pizza, Pasta,Burger, French Fries:
    “Few moments on your Lips,
    Forever on your Hips.”:p
  5. Fact1: You can not touch
    Your lower lip with your tounge…
    Fact2: After reading this,
    99/100 idiots would try it.
  6. 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.
  7. My boss just said to me “You’ve been late five days this week… do you know what that means?” I certainly do – it’s FRIDAY!
  8. Please don’t say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your crotch.
  9. Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
  10. Kim Kardashian is 32&she’s pregnant, but y’all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy. And yall calling her a slut? PLEASE, have a seat.
  11. I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
  12. That awkward moment when you’re way more excited than little kids are to watch Finding Dory.
  13. Toilet paper is a perfect example of how “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.”
  14. For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren’t quite good enough.
  15.  They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.
  16. Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.
  17. I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
  18. If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.
  19. I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
  20. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.