Clever Facebook Status

  1. Plese don’t talk to me, I get attached too easily.

  2. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

  3. If success seems unlikely, that should be your reason to push even harder.

  4. Friday is my second favorite “F” word.

  5. If we took all the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be about some poor family dying of dysentery while their oxen drown.

  6. LOVE is when I can’t pay attention in class because Im too busy writing her first name with my last name.

  7. I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something 🙂

  8. Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you …….. Priceless 🙂

  9. Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

  10. Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.

  11. The only math I can remember is that …. You + Me = Forever

  12. Life would be better if more things were wrapped in bacon.

  13. I wish my phone never ran out of battery, my fridge never ran out of food and my wallet never ran out of money.

  14. When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me outof it every time.

  15. Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.

  16. Look down at your speedometer and ask yourself, is this the right lane for you?

  17. My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I don’t get women.

  18. STUDY? The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.

  19. Watching Netflix before going to bed is the adult equivalent of being read a bedtime story.

  20. Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. 🙂

  21. If you like the idea of social media but don’t want to actually communicate with people, try LinkedIn.

  22. I wish people were like money, so you could hold them up to the light to see which ones are real and which ones are fake.

  23. Baking soda seems like a scam. “Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator.”

  24. GIRL: Describe me in 1 word. —- BOY: Mine 😉

  25. Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

  26. If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts

  27. Cheating is easy …. try something more challenging … like being faithful.

  28. I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won 🙂

  29. I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

  30. Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Funny FB Status

  1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me eight times, and you’re Quentin Tarantino.
  2. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.
  3. If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
  4. Secrets Of Pizza, Pasta,Burger, French Fries:
    “Few moments on your Lips,
    Forever on your Hips.”:p
  5. Fact1: You can not touch
    Your lower lip with your tounge…
    Fact2: After reading this,
    99/100 idiots would try it.
  6. 90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.
  7. My boss just said to me “You’ve been late five days this week… do you know what that means?” I certainly do – it’s FRIDAY!
  8. Please don’t say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your crotch.
  9. Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
  10. Kim Kardashian is 32&she’s pregnant, but y’all hoes be 16 with 4 kids and no baby daddy. And yall calling her a slut? PLEASE, have a seat.
  11. I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
  12. That awkward moment when you’re way more excited than little kids are to watch Finding Dory.
  13. Toilet paper is a perfect example of how “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.”
  14. For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren’t quite good enough.
  15.  They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.
  16. Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.
  17. I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
  18. If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.
  19. I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
  20. I was only 7 when I first ran my hands down a woman’s curves. It was a Mrs Buttersworths’ syrup bottle but still.